December 6, 2012
I’ve never understood woman that loved having a newborn. The sleep deprivation, the constant fussiness and the rocking and shushing and swaying and bouncing that goes along with it. The sore breasts and sore back from being hunched over feeding an infant for at least half of your day. I honestly didn’t believe them when they said they missed that stage and hated to see their babies grow up. But I get it now, and know that it is possible love the newborn period.
Last week Hayden turned 3 months old and this week I started my cycle. I stand firmly in the belief that nursing pads and maxi pads should not have to coexist. It wasn’t something I was prepared for and it hit me like a ton of bricks when I discovered the reason I was so tired all day Monday. I now understand why my doula advised me to save some of the placenta pills for when I get my period back. That night, after the 4 am feeding, I lay in bed and cried. Tears I couldn’t help but release. It was the first time I felt this blue since having Hayden. Not PPD symptoms, just genuine sadness. It sounds strange, but I feel like in a way, I’m mourning the end of being pregnant for the last time, of having a newborn for the last time. I feel like this stage is slipping too quickly out of my hands. I loved being pregnant. I loved having a newborn. Words I never ever thought I’d say. And now it feels like my body is forcing me back into life as normal, life as before, life and business as usual, and I’m not ready for it.
My nature is to drive forward and plow my way through feelings like this, keep going and don’t stop. There’s things to be made and roads to be conquered. But my heart is telling me I know better and I need to slow down. Perhaps even stop a bit? I think I need to listen to my heart more, especially when it comes to my babies. Because I now know all too well that they’re not babies for long.
I’ve had a couple of guest posts in the works and think I’ll put them up here for the next couple of days instead of spreading them out. I need to take a break, even just a small one. I think I’ll finish decorating my house tomorrow. Maybe even take a nap when Hayden naps before the big kids get home. I don’t want to sit in this chair looking at this screen for at least 3-4 days. So hold me to it will you please? After all this computer or this internet isn’t going anywhere, right? I’ll most likely still be in Instagram (I’m @fourflights), because well I’m addicted and I love it!
I’ll be back soon enough.
Love, love, love the close up of that big smile! So precious. I’ve been very emotional with my baby, too. He is now 13 months and knowing he is my last baby just makes me sad 🙁
Hayden looks so much like Art in that first picture that it is ridiculous!
Feel better. 🙂
Having talked to you and read about your PPD fears, I am so dang thrilled for you that this season has been filled with joy…the fact that you’re already missing the newborn phase is a beautiful, good, and NORMAL thing.
Hang in there and enjoy every moment!
I didn’t get my period for 18 months after Zeke. It was cool for the first year, but those last six months made me pretty anxious because I wanted to get pregnant again. I’ve always been kind of jealous of women who get their fertility back so effortlessly. :-/
This hits too close to home! I am almost 8 weeks postpartum with my daughter. Its been 8 yrs since I had my son, I’m older and this is my last. I started having cramps the other day and realized that this is it- pms time. made me cry realizing that this really is the end of pregnancy, babies, etc. i wasnt expecting this feeling so it is very, very nice to know i am not alone!
Warmed my heart. Enjoy a few days rest.