January 8, 2014

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I don’t ever recall being particularly obsessive about sleep, before I had children. I myself am happy to survive off of 6 hours a night, as long as it’s a solid 6 hours. That term “solid sleep” though, is quite a slippery one, once you have children. Aside from some periods throughout high school where I had trouble falling back to sleep if awoken in the middle of the night, I don’t think I was a very sleepy type of person.

But actually, that last sentence may very well explain the obsessive relationship with sleep that I developed, when I became pregnant with my first baby. I had heard all the stories of sleep deprivation, and in turn, had heard all the methods for getting your baby to sleep, ASAP, once they were born. At my baby shower a friend gave me BabyWise, a book I have now come to loathe because of it’s delirious and sometimes sad way of dealing with babies, as if they weren’t all different. Soon after Taylor was born though, and I was set to go back to work, I started looking into other sleep training methods, so I wouldn’t be a walking zombie in the showroom, when I returned to my full time job at St. John.

That’s when I found the Baby Whisperer, by Tracy Hogg, and subsequently found their online sleep forums, where you could connect with other BW parents (that’s what we called each other), and get advice and tips on Tracy Hogg’s methods. I became so consumed by sleep, rather, getting my baby to sleep, that within a few months I had worked up the ranks and honed Tracy’s methods so well that I became a nap forum moderator, in charge of answering the nap questions of tired, weary mothers across the globe. I quickly learned that a “nappy” meant something different in Europe, as well as a host of other baby-related terms which were different in other parts of the world than they were in the US. I also met a small group of women whose babies were all born within the same month and year, and we created our own little private forum where we could share all tales and questions related to baby. We are still friends to this day, and although we are long past the days of babies and sleep (most of us anyhow), we still have a bond and connection that will never be replaced. I’ve even met a couple of them in real life, and it’s pretty cool to think I have friends all over the globe from America to Canada to New Zealand. In terms of sleep, I think back, and we were a crazy bunch, making the most miniscule adjustments to our children’s sleep schedule in hopes of a perfect nap, or to transform an “early riser” into a baby who slept till 7 am. Oh the things we did, from “sleep to wake”, where we would go in just minutes before their habitual wake time and jostle them just a bit, hoping it would reset their little clock, to a method called pick up/put down.

Taylor, a labeled “textbook” baby, easily adapted to all the tricks I played on her and was pretty much the perfect sleeper by 6 months of age.

Syd was a whole other issue though, and was definitely a mix between grumpy and touchy, wanting his own space at night, but still not knowing how to get himself to sleep. The methods didn’t work on him at all, and so I read even more books, a total of at least 6 infant sleep books when all was said and done, until at 11 months of age it magically all fell into place, and order was restored. In the mean time, I had seriously researched and learned more and spent more time reading about sleep, than the average doctor. To this day I bet I know more about infant sleep cycles and stages than our pediatrician.

Hayden has been the hardest nut to crack though, refusing to play into any of our gentle coaxing, and never settling down in the middle of the night without one of us coming in over and over to reassure him. He didn’t sleep through the night at all until 11 months old, and since then, he hasn’t slept consistently at night for more than a week or so. We will get a few good days in, and then bam! The kid’s back at it again, torturing us.  We don’t do cry it out btw, if that’s what you’re thinking.
Currently, Hayden hasn’t slept through the night since the week of Christmas. Last night, in the middle of a 2 hour awake spell, Art and I may have tried to bitch slap each other in bitter accusation. Not really, but we were both irritated, understandably so.

Throughout all of this, Art has asked if there’s something we should be doing to try and fix this situation, and honestly, I don’t think there’s anything we can do. I’ve been there, done that, and in the end, I’ve learned that we will never fully understand these tiny tyrants of ours, and have the magic fix-all for everything. On paper, we are doing everything right. He has a good routine, rarely ever misses a nap thanks to living across from the school, sleeps solidly for 2+ hours at nap time, and gets to bed at a decent time. I’m sure if I broke out my old sleep books I could possibly find some sleep technique that might solve the problem, but after 8+ years of parenting, I’ve learned more than anything that a book will never give you all the answers you need.

Yes, parenting books are wonderful and empowering and the very best of them give you an insight and tools to help with your child, you may have been lost without. But a book is no replacement for your gut instinct, and my gut tells me that this period of sleeplessness is just something we will ride out. Besides, every time we think we are at our breaking point with lack of sleep from this kid, he gives us a pass, and sleeps 2-3 nights in a row.

I’m still eternally grateful for finding and following Baby Whisperer. The tools I learned helped me feel a little less helpless, a lot more in control, and the routine alone gave our days predictability, something that was good for babysitters and working parents. So new mommas, read up on as many sleep books as your heart desires, but know when to give in a little, and hold your sleeping baby, skip the nap if you need to get out. A perfect sleep schedule will one day be the least of your worries, and in the end, is not worth the stress of trying to figure it all out. My one regret with Taylor and Syd, is that I never held them enough when they slept, afraid it would form a bad habit. With Hayden, I held him almost every single day, even for just a little bit. If Tracy Hogg herself came back from the dead to tell me my holding a sleeping Hayden was the cause of all his night wakings, I’d say, “So be it.”

With a bit of irony, I’m making it my top goal for 2014 to get more sleep. Too many late nights, too many early mornings, too many middle of the night wakings where I fail at ever falling back to sleep, have taken a toll on me, both mentally and physically. I’m really hoping Hayden will join me in this new sleep program, or at least cooperate every few days. In the mean time, I’ve taken control where I can and have changed up my night routine in order to at least get into bed before midnight each night. Whether, or how long I actually stay in bed, is a whole other story, thanks to one cute squishy little baby.

What is one goal you’ve set out for yourself this year? And did you sleep train your baby, or did you just roll with it and take a more casual attitude?

All images from my Pinterest board, where I pin lots of images about sleep because I am obviously obsessed with it.